Falling into grief
For so much of my life
I have avoided this pain
Afraid to face the depth
I have not honoured the process
Overriding the tenderness
Not allowing the profundity of the emotion to be felt
Bypassing this integral part of the journey
I was brought up in a culture
Were especially for men
Expressing of emotion was impermissible
To express and expose my inner world
Was not welcomed and suppressed
In the last 9 months, both my father figures died
And I split from my partner
It has opened something in me
The intensity that I never imagined possible
A depth of emotion that came from my core
All the unexpressed grief
All the suppressed grief
Racing to the surface
Finally, I have the courage and the capacity to face it
My old habits would have been to cover it up
Attach, distract, dissociate
Anything to avoid the cracking of my heart
This is what my shadow wanted
To keep the negative pattern repeating
In doing things differently
Expressing my vulnerability
Giving space to what wants to come through
Allowing the grief of a love lost to be truly felt
I have been blindsided by the insight and wisdom
I have felt the ecstasy of grief
A celebration of love
A love that once was
If I had not loved that deeply
I would not be able to grief that intensely
Now the worst has passed
But while I was in the depths
It was taxing to come up for air
Wave after wave of paralysing pain
Terrified in an overwhelming abyss
I want other men to feel this gift
To be able to hold themselves in the depth of their pain
To find the courage to express vulnerably
To feel supported, so life can emerge
There is a longing in my heart
For more of us to open deeper to these parts
To share in the rawness and realness
And meet each other from depths of our core.
This is why I felt such a clear yes to Emergence
To help those men who are willing to embark on this journey
