I finally found the courage to confront my friend about her addictions
I didn’t realise how much it affected me
It triggered my childhood experiences
I think I have been frozen for days
Too scared to share what was burdening me
Paralysed by fear
Petrified to speak my true feelings
Fearing I would make things worse
Going back to old patterns
Trying to pretend it wasn’t happening
Whilst slowly eating me up inside
My torment leaked out in other ways
Being extremely reactive and irritable
Taking it out on those closest to me
In situations unworthy of such retribution
Like a tightly coiled spring ready to explode at any time
My nervous system hijacked
It was pendulating between fight and freeze
I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin
I didn’t know where to turn or who to fight
The trembling of the inner child felt strong
A five-year-old boy, frozen in fear
staring out from an icy cage of trauma
Unsure of what to do, where to move next
Desperate to feel safe
As I find the courage to speak
And unravel the layers of hurt at the surface
Relieving the protectors of their duties
And there, I find points of deep tenderness
The essence of innocence and love
— — — — —
Being brought up in a household with addictions created a childhood where I didn’t feel safe.
Breaking through the emotional dissociation has been a deep journey for me.
It was a coping mechanism when I was young, when it was too overwhelming to feel, protecting me.
We’ve all had events in our life that have activated a trauma response which is forever remembered in the body.
Sometimes it can be so subtle that we don’t even realise we are in it.
Or it can be such a familiar space for us that we are unaware our trauma has been activated.
I’ve had experiences where I believed I was ‘fine’ but in reality, I was in freeze.
In these moments, my mind feels sharper as the animal response is activated.
I am in a state of hyper vigilance.
In working with clients, I am able to bring greater awareness to their internal worlds and mechanisms.
Giving them tools to work with their primal response.
I am grateful for having the opportunity to bring greater awareness to these vulnerable parts of our being and finding the gifts they hold.
Are there parts of you that identify with this story?
How does the trauma response turn up in your life?