Mourning the father I never knew
I met u once, by that time you couldn’t remember
Alzheimer’s is an unforgiving, cruel affliction
No memories of your life
No wisdom to pass down
Just an empty frown of a man who doesn’t remember
Losing my father
The man who seeded me into this world
Feeling numb and shock
Questioning my reaction
How to mourn a man I never knew?
For days now I’ve been sitting in this space
A space between places
Feeling a disbelief, should I be feeling more?
No fond memories of a son playing with his father
Just silence and an abyss of longing
Longing for the Father to guide me
Nothing but DNA tying us together
Nothing and Everything
I am half him
And know nothing of him
As the week passed, I’ve felt the emotions rising to the surface
I feel the years of confusion and anger melting
A softening and a tenderness emerging
A sadness that I had no relationship with this man
The loss my inner boy felt for never having this Fatherhood relationship
Not understanding why he was not around
Then left to father myself
I can feel the wishing for things to have been different
The steadfast determination to not repeat the cycle
— — — — — — -
It saddens me how frequently this cycle plays out in society
The amount of broken homes
Children brought up without parental guidance
Disconnection, dis-ease and mental health issues
Feeling all the sons that never get to know their fathers
Feeling all the fathers that never get to know their sons
Feeling all the broken relationships
All the times when we haven’t known what to say or do
Not known how to turn up for someone we love
I feel how this childhood experience influenced my decisions
Playing out in the shadows
My father left me when I was 2
His father died when he was 2
Perhaps this is why I have chosen not to have children of my own
Terrified of repeating the cycle of abandoning my own child
There is a fear in bringing another soul into this world
Worried about not providing them with abundant love
Worried about my relationship breaking down with the Mother, splitting up the home
I have been on a journey of healing these wounds, reparenting my inner child
Holding my inner boy and giving him the love he deserves
The wounds are karmic and I feel them everyday
I have been feeling a strong parental longing
Yearning to consciously conceive a soul into this world
To birth a child and parent to the best of my ability
The longing to devote my life to their growth
To offer them guidance and support them to shine
Pass down my wisdom and to learn from their innocence
To break the pattens of the ancestral lines
I now feel ready to give myself fully to another being
RIP Anthony Negal
